Tuesday, December 28, 2010

For 2011...and For Life

I am not a resolution maker person. Not that I don't have areas I'd like to improve upon - as a matter of fact, big ones; I just don't wait until one year passes and another begins to make such decisions. Today, though, it seemed fitting that my next steps were awakened as I read a friend's facebook post asking, "What promises would you make to yourself if you knew you could keep them in 2011?" Simultaneously, I recalled a recent conversation with a friend in which she excitedly shared her plans for a more active career, while my desires include less career and more fun. I realized how opposite our goals are, and how deeply I feel mine.

I am one extremely fortunate woman. In two years I have accomplished much. I moved to a state I love, I live in a community I love, found a great job, and- a plus- I don't hate going in each day! I enjoy excellent health, wonderful pets, a 2001 vehicle which gets me where I need to be. I have a wonderful son and a few close friends. I am at a weight I never thought I'd see, and don't remember being at - ever, and I am happy there.

My next challenge is to be in love...with me. Truly in love with the person I go to sleep with and wake up with every day. Truly in love with what I see in the mirror, what I feel in my heart, even a pass when mistakes are made.

Anyone who has consciously made life-altering changes, as most of us have, understands our reactions, those inner voices, are an ingrained part of our programming, therefore, we don't think about them at all. We simply follow the path as always, without recognition; even when the path doesn't feel exactly right. I am fortunate that I do recognize, and I act. My life has unfolded greatly and wonderfully over the past two years, and I can sense that it is now time for this major challenge, so that I will continue to grow and to realize a life of true happiness. I would love to have more friendships, I would love to feel a deep contentment with my life-whatever I make it to be, and I have been considering the possibility that I might want a partner to share with. All of these "wishes" will be granted, when I know my worth, fall in love with my spirit and soul and simply grin at mistakes, brushing them off as one would a falling leaf from a shoulder.

For me, the process will include catching those inner scoldings and turning them into a softer, kinder voice. To tell myself that I am OK as I am, and the trickier part-to BELIEVE it! Including when my coarse hair is having a mind of its own, including the times I forget a word, do something completely wrong when I thought I was doing it completely right, or even react as I wish I hadn't. Just as importantly, my process will include a deep confidence that we are all here trying to live our best lives--every one of us. There is solace in understanding we are all "one", ultimately, within nature. It is the belief that I am part of something much larger than my small world which offers me comfort within my struggles; that, plus success in achieving a purpose I've determined to realize.

I look forward to continuing what I have started and to confronting challenges. I know I will find a love for life which will translate into a happiness I have sought, but wasn't quite sure how to accomplish. How interesting, how freeing to know the answer begins here where I am - from the inside.

Friday, December 17, 2010

It's Time....

I have a peaceful feeling this holiday season. I was once the excited child, filled with anticipation and joy for that one day a year when things would magically appear under our christmas tree, and the cookies and milk left for santa would be gone in the morning. I cherish those memories! As a young adult, I continued to enjoy making the holiday season special with decorations, gifts, and the camaraderie of friends and relatives. Setting up the day for my young son was especially fun and I loved watching his beautiful eyes in awe on that special morning. The holiday season always brought with it a happy spirit, an anticipation of something special about to happen.

I have also felt the opposite of this joy for the holiday season. Through various life events, I have found myself all but alone on some christmas days, few gifts to buy for cherished friends or relatives, no special party plans; exactly like those people I read about or saw on television, but never dreamed I would be. From one extreme to the other, to be sure, like the see-saw; very high, and oh so low. It was difficult to believe that I had stepped from one place to the other in one short lifetime.

This year, there is a sweet difference. There is no doubt, the day itself will hold little for me in the way of special whatevers. Instead of mourning that fact, though, I feel the brink of a new discovery about to happen. I feel a new attitude for this season about to emerge. I believe I will begin to identify what I want it to be, for maybe this, and certainly future holiday seasons. I can buy into the commercialism, the believing these few days each year should be this or that, lest I fall to dust. But I choose not to do that now. I am going to settle with it somewhere in between that child who felt the magic and that woman who sat alone in the dark feeling sorry for herself. Everything changes. This, I must say, feels really really good. Wish me Luck!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Remembering the Day

Today is December 15, 2010 at 734A, and today is my birthday. I am one of those people who feel birthdays should be "special", celebrated with abandon, family and friends participating, and OK, yes, maybe a few gifts. Today is a special one for me, because during the year just passed, I have enjoyed growth and peace of mind unprecedented in my life. I celebrate that reality. And today, I will not go into work, choosing instead to be leisurely on this cold, wintery day.

As I thought about this day, December 15, it occurred to me that each of us has a special day we call our birthday; that day which will forever be "ours" in that sense. The day we, hopefully, look forward to with plans made, and, similar to the new year, maybe make resolutions for the year to come. I also realized that certain days take us, in memory, to people who were special to us. I thought of my grandparents and the fact that I don't remember when their birthdays were, except I believe my maternal grandmother might have been October 19, my paternal grandfather was close to that date. I have no recollection of my paternal grandmother's birthday. My maternal grandfather died when I was very young, and I never knew when his was at all. These people have been gone from this life for many years, and it is possible I simply forgot after all this time, but it seems to me I would remember if I had helped them to celebrate their special days. I thought of my son, who will always recall December 15 as his mom's birthday, with, I hope, thoughts of times we've enjoyed together in a warm and happy way. Of course, we don't need a date to remember special people, but those days can trigger memories of times of togetherness, of laughter and smiles and eating all the wrong food. Celebrations of life.

Today, I will definitely celebrate December 15, 2010 as a great day for me, for what life is at this moment and for what it will be each moment I have to live it. I have learned it is vitally important to cherish each day because with each day comes another chance to be better, to live fully and well, to be kind, to recognize I am a part of nature, of the universe, as we all are. And along the way, I will encounter others on their paths, and hopefully, in a few very special instances, friendships will be formed. I cherish December 15, because it is MY special day, and it is MY reminder of a life lived well and looking forward to more.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

In Between 5 and 30, You Take What You Can Get

I watch him leave again; He is tall, slender, never lingering to chat or to share.
An hour for lunch, No, nothing is new, Maybe dinner sometime?
I cherish him now as I cherish that child, who, in my presence, took first steps, went to first grade, learned to swim, batted that ball outta the park.
I tell him, often, he is loved, and He returns the favor.
And, now, as I watch the car move away from me, the one taking my son, there is a sense of loss - just a twinge.
The child, whose world I was once prominent in, is off to his own world now, as I fall into the distance

September 11, 2001

It was like being at a wake where everyone tries to move around with normalcy when none exists.
The reality permeated the cells of our existence; how could the navigator of that plane not see that large, tall building?
Then it happened again, and another went down in Pennsylvania, and I couldn't help but worry where and when the next horror would be.
The day continued with a dull silence and emptiness that could not be erased.
A few days later, I went to a local fair and came upon a beautiful quilt made by a woman who was on the flight to California for a vacation.
She dropped off her beautiful artwork first, for all to enjoy.

In Between the Shower and the Window

Caught..Dripping with remnants of the warm shower rain.
She remembers, just out of there, that she forgot what she needed - and it's over there, past that window of obviousness.
Creeping near, her eyes inspect; And there He is, standing, contemplating - what?
She has seen him there before, all sweated and dripping ~ like her ~ and turning with a fleeting nod.
He is pretty fine; and Maybe he might take a look now; Will he know she is there at the window with nothing but beaded drops covering nothing?
She hesitates, not wanting him to know that she feels transparent in her display; As she looks ahead and walks, slowly, past the window.

You Were My Guy...

Dad;
I suppose it is where I live now, emotionally and spiritually, that brings me back to you. This realization only occurred to me recently, and I find it freeing and truthful and so important - for me.
                                     You were my guy


You were more important to me than anyone, including, most likely, myself. You were strength, character, forthright. You were driven and successful in your career. I will never try to minimize your accomplishments, because you are self-made and, still, I appreciate and respect those qualities.


You were my guy. Do you know? Did it ever, even once, occur to you, the reality that I wanted, needed your acceptance; that my growth depended upon you to be my guide, my protector, the person who talked to me with interest and kindness? I cannot speak for you, all I have is my intuition and the conclusions I have reached over the years, for lack of knowing you in that way. And, unfortunately, forever in this life, I will not enjoy speaking with you or visiting with you or remembering my childhood with you. I will recall how inadequate I always felt while in your company, how embarrassed I was in so many situations with you as a child, the fact that I've loved you and hated you. Most of all, I will always wish we lived differently with each other. I wrote a blog inspired by words of Lynn Redgrave which were published after her death. It spoke of her own relationship with her dad. I entitled it, "I didn't really know him. I lived in his house..."; her words, which resonated with me immediately.


The purpose of this letter is to tell you how it is for me. In person, this conversation would be overtaken by your denial and insistence that everything was fine. It would be overtaken by your insistence that your own childhood was fine. That is your right, except those lies keep us in the dark for each other. And, I truly believe you are completely unaware that these are my feelings, or if you decided to, that you could have a real conversation of sharing and honesty. I don't believe you could do it, even if you gave it all you had.


So, Dad, I want you to know, You Were My Guy! What a difference you could have made for me in the most positive of ways, for my relationships with men and in how I have seen myself! You Were My Guy! And you failed me. I am so sorry, but you failed me! I love what you were for me in spirit, I hate what you were for me in life.


Today, I am very well, and I have worked hard to get here. Today, the physical and emotional distance between us works well for me. Today, I know you much better. To know you were my guy....brings loving feelings. I have the capacity to give love and hopefully, accept love - some day, in a true sense I haven't yet experienced. Not because you showed me how it could and should be. Not because I remember my father with love for the kindness and guidance given to me when I needed it most. Not because of you at all, except for the struggling to reach out of the hole. Except, yes, you can take credit for the hole and the struggle. Congratulations.


                                     Dad, You Were My Guy...
     Your Daughter, Bonnie

Saturday, December 4, 2010

The Winter of Life

Winter..It's coming again.
And until I am living in a place much warmer than this, I'm sure I will dread that fact - less now, but still. So, why is it I simply don't get over it; this fact of winter cold? Not sure I have that complete answer, except it pisses me off to be cold. It is insulting and biting and hard. I'm pretty sure this hasn't been a life-long hatred, but rather a carefully cultivated one of years. And still, I cannot say why. Maybe because now, as the adult, I am tasked with all of the chore of it and no longer see the fun. But that still leaves the cold to the bone ache and resentment.

A couple who lives next door packed a very large u-haul with what appeared to be most of their possessions, including a golf cart, and headed away from here to a place or places I can only imagine. I dream they are going more southward, or maybe west, to chase warmer days and nights, to bask in their freedom and companionship; and I wish I were like them for that simple reason. Then, my mind comes around to "that" love - the one where two people love to share time and space and plans. Yes, I'd love to have that, and I believe I will.

I am living a life of astonishing emotional strength. I've acquired a depth I never dreamed possible. And it will continue. I already love the adventures to come, and welcome them with open arms. No one could be more grateful. And knowing I am responsible for all of it, spiritually, willfully, is immensely powerful and freeing.