An Understanding.....Happy Mothers' Day

Many of us lament a childhood which was less than we feel it should have been, less than we know we deserved as those young people trying to figure it all out. It is a fact that each of us had a different experience with our parents back then when we looked up at them in awe, for strength, for security and for that unconditional love. My own experience is certainly not what I'd like to share here today, it was less than I deserved, lacking in many ways, it is what helped form the woman I am today.

I have just spoken with my mother. For me, speaking with either parent is a chore. It's true. I admit it. And, this is true for various reasons with each of them. My mother is a kind soul who has been afflicted with an anxiety for life as long as I've known her, and considerably before I was in the picture, as she has shared. We are not alike, we don't have the same values or opinions or thoughts; there has been anger between us and a lack of consideration and that unconditional love. Over the past few years, and as a result of both a physical and emotional distance between us, my mom has shared her own experiences of lack and discomfort and "feeling like a piece of shit" as she wandered her way through childhood. She has shared a story of her dad, a silent, ungiving man who could think of nothing to say to his daughter as he walked with her to a job he found for her. Not one word. Sixty years or more after these incidents, she recalls vividly a transference of his silence into lack within her, judged by her father to be less than because he could not find, did not have any words of conversation, camaraderie for her. She has shared stories of a family who was disjointed, walking on opposite sides of the street from each other for reasons no one knew. This, the result of a crazy woman my mother's brother married at a young age who was allowed to wreak havoc on his family for years and until she died. My mother, at one point in her young life, lived with her aunt and uncle for a time while she recuperated from what I would consider to be a nervous breakdown. She was completely intimidated by the man she married, and lived too many years in distrust and lack of individuality.

It was important for my mother to bring me into these parts of her life. It was important to her that I understand she has remorse that she did not, could not rise to her children's deepest needs, while she continued to push through a life of fear and discomfort and not knowing. And as a result of both parents being human and dealing with life in the best way they knew, they raised two daughters with self-esteem issues and fears, to struggle in adulthood for that "perfect" place as they see it for themselves.

A while ago, a short while ago actually, I came to an important realization; one which allowed me to move out of that fog and to step higher within my own life. I realized that both of these people did the best they could. As cliche as that statement is, and I shudder to use it, it is truth. While they maintained a life of basic comfort for us, each of them, being human, had their own issues, fears, goals, good and bad days. As my mother spoke, I understood she is not an evil person, I know she is a lovely person, actually, who did not wish anyone's pain, but was dealing with her own. Today, she is much the same as back then, with the exception of the sharing. With the exception of the realizing. What a wonderful breakthrough! The start of healing. While my mother and I might never be close in spirit, I can and do appreciate what she has brought to me within these conversations. I empathize with her struggles. I know now, without a doubt, it is and never was, about me or my sister.

I am guilty of less than stellar choices with my own son. No one is immune. No one is perfect. Many of us have thought about the past and wonder what life would be if only we'd done......something else. And the best we can do for ourselves and for those we love is to put those thoughts away. The best we can do is work to find what we need, what we love, and pursue those things with diligence and vigor and passion. As we become those people who are happy in our individual lives, we radiate that happiness and joy outward into the universe, for all to take part. We smile more often, we have an aura of love we share easily.

So to that I say, Happy Mothers' Day to the beautiful women everywhere who have struggled, who have raised children less than perfectly, and who rise above all of that a little every day to become who they want to be.        Cheers to us all.        And Love.

It's Time....

I have a peaceful feeling this holiday season. I was once the excited child, filled with anticipation and joy for that one day a year when things would magically appear under our christmas tree, and the cookies and milk left for santa would be gone in the morning. I cherish those memories! As a young adult, I continued to enjoy making the holiday season special with decorations, gifts, and the camaraderie of friends and relatives. Setting up the day for my young son was especially fun and I loved watching his beautiful eyes in awe on that special morning. The holiday season always brought with it a happy spirit, an anticipation of something special about to happen.

I have also felt the opposite of this joy for the holiday season. Through various life events, I have found myself all but alone on some christmas days, few gifts to buy for cherished friends or relatives, no special party plans; exactly like those people I read about or saw on television, but never dreamed I would be. From one extreme to the other, to be sure, like the see-saw; very high, and oh so low. It was difficult to believe that I had stepped from one place to the other in one short lifetime.

This year, there is a sweet difference. There is no doubt, the day itself will hold little for me in the way of special whatevers. Instead of mourning that fact, though, I feel the brink of a new discovery about to happen. I feel a new attitude for this season about to emerge. I believe I will begin to identify what I want it to be, for maybe this, and certainly future holiday seasons. I can buy into the commercialism, the believing these few days each year should be this or that, lest I fall to dust. But I choose not to do that now. I am going to settle with it somewhere in between that child who felt the magic and that woman who sat alone in the dark feeling sorry for herself. Everything changes. This, I must say, feels really really good. Wish me Luck!

Remembering the Day

Today is December 15, 2010 at 734A, and today is my birthday. I am one of those people who feel birthdays should be "special", celebrated with abandon, family and friends participating, and OK, yes, maybe a few gifts. Today is a special one for me, because during the year just passed, I have enjoyed growth and peace of mind unprecedented in my life. I celebrate that reality. And today, I will not go into work, choosing instead to be leisurely on this cold, wintery day.

As I thought about this day, December 15, it occurred to me that each of us has a special day we call our birthday; that day which will forever be "ours" in that sense. The day we, hopefully, look forward to with plans made, and, similar to the new year, maybe make resolutions for the year to come. I also realized that certain days take us, in memory, to people who were special to us. I thought of my grandparents and the fact that I don't remember when their birthdays were, except I believe my maternal grandmother might have been October 19, my paternal grandfather was close to that date. I have no recollection of my paternal grandmother's birthday. My maternal grandfather died when I was very young, and I never knew when his was at all. These people have been gone from this life for many years, and it is possible I simply forgot after all this time, but it seems to me I would remember if I had helped them to celebrate their special days. I thought of my son, who will always recall December 15 as his mom's birthday, with, I hope, thoughts of times we've enjoyed together in a warm and happy way. Of course, we don't need a date to remember special people, but those days can trigger memories of times of togetherness, of laughter and smiles and eating all the wrong food. Celebrations of life.

Today, I will definitely celebrate December 15, 2010 as a great day for me, for what life is at this moment and for what it will be each moment I have to live it. I have learned it is vitally important to cherish each day because with each day comes another chance to be better, to live fully and well, to be kind, to recognize I am a part of nature, of the universe, as we all are. And along the way, I will encounter others on their paths, and hopefully, in a few very special instances, friendships will be formed. I cherish December 15, because it is MY special day, and it is MY reminder of a life lived well and looking forward to more.

Til Next Time

"It's happening again", she thought to herself.
Waiting, again - Waiting for him to keep his word, he said he would this time.
Standing out there, alone, again, the words form in her mind, "You sonofa...!"
"Perfect!", she exclaims to no one, as the rain descends on her mood.
Her watch tells her it's too late; She is thrown away.
And she wonders exactly what she will do - next time.

We're Not Out of the Woods

It was a lifetime ago I was with him; and even today, I love him.
Just being with him, I instantly sizzled inside, I wanted to swallow every part of him so he would stay.
For years we enjoyed sharing life, with an ever-present distance that could not be explained.
I did not understand when he said, "We are not out of the woods", knowing I wanted more; fearful this is where we would stay.
It ended, sadly; He left the woods, with me behind missing him in my life; maybe today.
But I took with me a sense of giving and patience he doesn't know he gave me; because I was left alone, in the woods; He could not hear me tell him

The Connection

After so long, it wasn't easy to trust those feelings..those thoughts.
But she didn't want to give up; She just didn't want to try anymore.
Maybe sometime later; Sometime when they would meet and look into each other with lingering interest.
Maybe sometime later; When they would touch, first gently on their hands.
And that touch flies through her, penetrating places now awakening.
She smiles, her eyes glistening, moving closer into him.