I am nearly fifty eight years old. How could THAT have happened?! I doubt I will ever again look into the mirror and see what I would truly like to see, except that sparkle, the one I've just found. It's there to stay.
There are many things I could say, or share, about aging. Some are quite obvious: the wrinkling laughter lines, the grey hair (under another color now), gravity kicking in all over the place, even that it is largely an attitude. Aging is for maturity and a wisdom of sorts. Who hasn't heard another say, "If I could only go back and know what I know today"? And, after about age 30, most understand the meaning of that statement.
For many years, I thought of the time with special friends I once knew, long away from me, as a loss. A loss, for the short time we had together; a loss because I never quite duplicated those special moments. Today, while I would likely still opt to have stayed around them longer if I could, I know those young friendships helped me understand closeness and its value. I struggled with many aspects of my life, because I didn't know my worth, or more accurately, felt I had little. I have been an under-achiever in every aspect of the word, because of fear; fear of not knowing, fear of being wrong or making mistakes, fear of being afraid. I have made decisions based on emotional neediness, and have given away friendships, in some cases, long-lasting friendships, in favor of a kind word or a vague interest in my direction. I would accept just about any behavior, at least for a time, if a boy or man was behind it. I have been judgmental, quick-tempered, angry, narrow-minded, and....sad.
Spirituality, my version of it, has recently become a part of my life. Not the bible answering, god will strike me dead kind. The kind that understands nature is god, or my preference of term, the universe. The kind that understands through intuition and living in gratitude, that the universal spirit is in all of us. IN us; not a separate something in the sky we call a "him" which no one truly understands, likely because it makes no sense. Spirituality which answers to a generous spirit, graciousness, giving thanks, and even an understanding that asking to be the best I can in this life is an important part of living it. It is an insult to the universe, to god, to be less than. Finding my spirituality was the beginning of life opening for me, and it happened through meditation, in an instant, when I pondered the question of what was missing; how could I move forward? Yes, in an instant! I continue to work on my best life every day. Not, however, without mistakes, not without anger, not without learning what being my best truly means. I now understand that challenges are the universe's way of helping us along the path of growth, and can even be thankful for those struggles.
I titled this blog, "Where Once There Was Sadness", because that is mostly where I've been, in a general sense. That is true, because I didn't know what I wanted or needed, I didn't know how to speak for myself in any meaningful way. That is true because I didn't know a childhood with love or inclusion. That road will take each of us in different directions, depending upon our realizing - or not; depending upon whether we want to take the time, make the effort to get from here to wherever "there" is for us. I am that person. How fortunate I am!
Today, realizations are key for me. They help guide me in a direction that feels so right for me now, it is almost like living another life. (Yes, there's a blog about that too). Law of attraction is alive and well and available for everyone to grasp. It expounds upon the value in each of us, shows there is more abundance in the universe, in every way, than we can possibly imagine, and we are all entitled to our share of that abundance. Believe it.
Interestingly, my mother has recently told me that she realizes I was not happy as a child, and she now hears a difference in my voice, in my hopes and intentions for my future; heck for my today! When others, who know us, can point out these truths, a pretty special revelation occurs; one that supports the universal abundance available to all of us. Because that's what I am doing. I have done nothing more than listen, accept what resonates for me, and live it. And it has made all the difference in this life. If you only knew...
