The Struggle Within

The weekend has arrived! YaY! I, like almost everyone, look forward to these two little, fleeting days away from the 8-5 week day world. YaY! Especially in the warmer climate, it's a treat to enjoy the sunshine, feel the warmth, be leisurely, coffee nearby.

I also struggle with this leisure. I struggle with the voice inside which always tells me I could be, SHOULD BE doing more - something unnamed, out there in the universe, something which doesn't call to me loudly enough for me to hear it. That something I believe I long for.

Today is a perfect example of that angst. Today is a Saturday with a few plans, mostly an unusual occurrence. I also have a few hours before the first event kicks in, and I find myself feeling awkward, guilty, for not having made "more" of these first hours of the day. Shouldn't I go for a walk, or visit that gym I'm paying for and haven't seen in months? Shouldn't I clean the house or at the very least, read something worthwhile? Shouldn't I?! YES!!! The voice screams to me - DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING!! And yet, my deepest, innermost preference is to do what I always do - opt to sit and think and maybe write a bit, and drink coffee and contemplate how long it is until I must move. That is my preference, and if you ask me, that is a flaw in my character. Few, according to me, would settle for this nothingness; few would have this nothing life. But I choose it - every day. And I ask myself why.

I have no idea the reason I feel more comfortable with nothing than with almost anything. It is who I have always been. It is likely my form of hiding, which, for me is as equally comforting as disconcerting. Nothing I have tried in an effort to be more acceptable to myself has greeted me with the love, the passion I desire to be true to whatever "it" is. I continue my search.

And in the meantime, the clock ticks. It ticks away the morning, the day, a life. And the voice haunts me to be someone else; the person I believe I SHOULD be; certainly not the person I am. I know...it's a journey, a voyage, whatever the choice of terminology, and it is true. This desire to be someone else will not likely come to fruition; not in this life. All I can hope for is to come to a point where I understand and honor who I am now, with the ongoing changes, as well as the ongoing challenges. And the beat goes on....