Remembering the Day

Today is December 15, 2010 at 734A, and today is my birthday. I am one of those people who feel birthdays should be "special", celebrated with abandon, family and friends participating, and OK, yes, maybe a few gifts. Today is a special one for me, because during the year just passed, I have enjoyed growth and peace of mind unprecedented in my life. I celebrate that reality. And today, I will not go into work, choosing instead to be leisurely on this cold, wintery day.

As I thought about this day, December 15, it occurred to me that each of us has a special day we call our birthday; that day which will forever be "ours" in that sense. The day we, hopefully, look forward to with plans made, and, similar to the new year, maybe make resolutions for the year to come. I also realized that certain days take us, in memory, to people who were special to us. I thought of my grandparents and the fact that I don't remember when their birthdays were, except I believe my maternal grandmother might have been October 19, my paternal grandfather was close to that date. I have no recollection of my paternal grandmother's birthday. My maternal grandfather died when I was very young, and I never knew when his was at all. These people have been gone from this life for many years, and it is possible I simply forgot after all this time, but it seems to me I would remember if I had helped them to celebrate their special days. I thought of my son, who will always recall December 15 as his mom's birthday, with, I hope, thoughts of times we've enjoyed together in a warm and happy way. Of course, we don't need a date to remember special people, but those days can trigger memories of times of togetherness, of laughter and smiles and eating all the wrong food. Celebrations of life.

Today, I will definitely celebrate December 15, 2010 as a great day for me, for what life is at this moment and for what it will be each moment I have to live it. I have learned it is vitally important to cherish each day because with each day comes another chance to be better, to live fully and well, to be kind, to recognize I am a part of nature, of the universe, as we all are. And along the way, I will encounter others on their paths, and hopefully, in a few very special instances, friendships will be formed. I cherish December 15, because it is MY special day, and it is MY reminder of a life lived well and looking forward to more.

In Between 5 and 30, You Take What You Can Get

I watch him leave again; He is tall, slender, never lingering to chat or to share.

An hour for lunch, No, nothing is new, Maybe dinner sometime?

I cherish him now as I cherish that child, who, in my presence, took first steps, went to first grade, learned to swim, batted that ball outta the park.

I tell him, often, he is loved, and He returns the favor.

And, now, as I watch the car move away from me, the one taking my son, there is a sense of loss - just a twinge.

The child, whose world I was once prominent in, is off to his own world now, as I fall into the distance

September 11, 2001

It was like being at a wake where everyone tries to move around with normalcy when none exists.

The reality permeated the cells of our existence; how could the navigator of that plane not see that large, tall building?

Then it happened again, and another went down in Pennsylvania, and I couldn't help but worry where and when the next horror would be.

The day continued with a dull silence and emptiness that could not be erased.

A few days later, I went to a local fair and came upon a beautiful quilt made by a woman who was on the flight to California for a vacation.

She dropped off her beautiful artwork first, for all to enjoy.

In Between the Shower and the Window

Caught..Dripping with remnants of the warm shower rain.

She remembers, just out of there, that she forgot what she needed - and it's over there, past that window of obviousness.

Creeping near, her eyes inspect; And there He is, standing, contemplating - what?

She has seen him there before, all sweated and dripping ~ like her ~ and turning with a fleeting nod.

He is pretty fine; and Maybe he might take a look now; Will he know she is there at the window with nothing but beaded drops covering nothing?

She hesitates, not wanting him to know that she feels transparent in her display; As she looks ahead and walks, slowly, past the window.

You Were My Guy...

Dad;
I suppose it is where I live now, emotionally and spiritually, that brings me back to you. This realization only occurred to me recently, and I find it freeing and truthful and so important - for me.
                                     You were my guy. 


You were more important to me than anyone, including, most likely, myself. You were strength, character, forthright. You were driven and successful in your career. I will never try to minimize your accomplishments, because you are self-made and, still, I appreciate and respect those qualities.


You were my guy. Do you know? Did it ever, even once, occur to you, the reality that I wanted, needed your acceptance; that my growth depended upon you to be my guide, my protector, the person who talked to me with interest and kindness? I cannot speak for you, all I have is my intuition and the conclusions I have reached over the years, for lack of knowing you in that way. And, unfortunately, forever in this life, I will not enjoy speaking with you or visiting with you or remembering my childhood with you. I will recall how inadequate I always felt while in your company, how embarrassed I was in so many situations with you as a child, the fact that I've loved you and hated you. Most of all, I will always wish we lived differently with each other. I wrote a blog inspired by words of Lynn Redgrave which were published after her death. It spoke of her own relationship with her dad. I entitled it, "I didn't really know him. I lived in his house..."; her words, which resonated with me immediately.


The purpose of this letter is to tell you how it is for me. In person, this conversation would be overtaken by your denial and insistence that everything was fine. It would be overtaken by your insistence that your own childhood was fine. That is your right, except those lies keep us in the dark for each other. And, I truly believe you are completely unaware that these are my feelings, or if you decided to, that you could have a real conversation of sharing and honesty. I don't believe you could do it, even if you gave it all you had.


So, Dad, I want you to know, You Were My Guy! What a difference you could have made for me in the most positive of ways, for my relationships with men and in how I have seen myself! You Were My Guy! And you failed me. I am so sorry, but you failed me! I love what you were for me in spirit, I hate what you were for me in life.


Today, I am very well, and I have worked hard to get here. Today, the physical and emotional distance between us works well for me. Today, I know you much better. To know you were my guy....brings loving feelings. I have the capacity to give love and hopefully, accept love - some day, in a true sense I haven't yet experienced. Not because you showed me how it could and should be. Not because I remember my father with love for the kindness and guidance given to me when I needed it most. Not because of you at all, except for the struggling to reach out of the hole. Except, yes, you can take credit for the hole and the struggle. Congratulations.


                                     Dad, You Were My Guy...
     Your Daughter, Bonnie

The Winter of Life

Winter..It's coming again.
And until I am living in a place much warmer than this, I'm sure I will dread that fact - less now, but still. So, why is it I simply don't get over it; this fact of winter cold? Not sure I have that complete answer, except it pisses me off to be cold. It is insulting and biting and hard. I'm pretty sure this hasn't been a life-long hatred, but rather a carefully cultivated one of years. And still, I cannot say why. Maybe because now, as the adult, I am tasked with all of the chore of it and no longer see the fun. But that still leaves the cold to the bone ache and resentment.

A couple who lives next door packed a very large u-haul with what appeared to be most of their possessions, including a golf cart, and headed away from here to a place or places I can only imagine. I dream they are going more southward, or maybe west, to chase warmer days and nights, to bask in their freedom and companionship; and I wish I were like them for that simple reason. Then, my mind comes around to "that" love - the one where two people love to share time and space and plans. Yes, I'd love to have that, and I believe I will.

I am living a life of astonishing emotional strength. I've acquired a depth I never dreamed possible. And it will continue. I already love the adventures to come, and welcome them with open arms. No one could be more grateful. And knowing I am responsible for all of it, spiritually, willfully, is immensely powerful and freeing.

Where Once There Was Sadness....

I am nearly fifty eight years old. How could THAT have happened?! I doubt I will ever again look into the mirror and see what I would truly like to see, except that sparkle, the one I've just found. It's there to stay.
There are many things I could say, or share, about aging. Some are quite obvious: the wrinkling laughter lines, the grey hair (under another color now), gravity kicking in all over the place, even that it is largely an attitude. Aging is for maturity and a wisdom of sorts. Who hasn't heard another say, "If I could only go back and know what I know today"? And, after about age 30, most understand the meaning of that statement.

For many years, I thought of the time with special friends I once knew, long away from me, as a loss. A loss, for the short time we had together; a loss because I never quite duplicated those special moments. Today, while I would likely still opt to have stayed around them longer if I could, I know those young friendships helped me understand closeness and its value. I struggled with many aspects of my life, because I didn't know my worth, or more accurately, felt I had little. I have been an under-achiever in every aspect of the word, because of fear; fear of not knowing, fear of being wrong or making mistakes, fear of being afraid. I have made decisions based on emotional neediness, and have given away friendships, in some cases, long-lasting friendships, in favor of a kind word or a vague interest in my direction. I would accept just about any behavior, at least for a time, if a boy or man was behind it. I have been judgmental, quick-tempered, angry, narrow-minded, and....sad.

Spirituality, my version of it, has recently become a part of my life. Not the bible answering, god will strike me dead kind. The kind that understands nature is god, or my preference of term, the universe. The kind that understands through intuition and living in gratitude, that the universal spirit is in all of us. IN us; not a separate something in the sky we call a "him" which no one truly understands, likely because it makes no sense. Spirituality which answers to a generous spirit, graciousness, giving thanks, and even an understanding that asking to be the best I can in this life is an important part of living it. It is an insult to the universe, to god, to be less than. Finding my spirituality was the beginning of life opening for me, and it happened through meditation, in an instant, when I pondered the question of what was missing; how could I move forward? Yes, in an instant! I continue to work on my best life every day. Not, however, without mistakes, not without anger, not without learning what being my best truly means. I now understand that challenges are the universe's way of helping us along the path of growth, and can even be thankful for those struggles.

I titled this blog, "Where Once There Was Sadness", because that is mostly where I've been, in a general sense. That is true, because I didn't know what I wanted or needed, I didn't know how to speak for myself in any meaningful way. That is true because I didn't know a childhood with love or inclusion. That road will take each of us in different directions, depending upon our realizing - or not; depending upon whether we want to take the time, make the effort to get from here to wherever "there" is for us. I am that person. How fortunate I am!

Today, realizations are key for me. They help guide me in a direction that feels so right for me now, it is almost like living another life. (Yes, there's a blog about that too). Law of attraction is alive and well and available for everyone to grasp. It expounds upon the value in each of us, shows there is more abundance in the universe, in every way, than we can possibly imagine, and we are all entitled to our share of that abundance. Believe it.

Interestingly, my mother has recently told me that she realizes I was not happy as a child, and she now hears a difference in my voice, in my hopes and intentions for my future; heck for my today! When others, who know us, can point out these truths, a pretty special revelation occurs; one that supports the universal abundance available to all of us. Because that's what I am doing. I have done nothing more than listen, accept what resonates for me, and live it. And it has made all the difference in this life. If you only knew...