Two Lives

I have lived two lives; two distinctly different and fulfilling long term engagements with myself. The first was over fifty years in length. Those years took me from birth to about two years ago when I moved to a new state, changing everything completely and utterly. Within those First Life years I did the obligatory school thing, moved three times during high school, married and divorced three times (hmm, just noticing the thing about threes), danced, sang, my sister became my friend. I found I love to distance walk, write, decorate, organize and other anal activities too numerous to mention here.

My first life was a good one. I will not complain about mistakes in judgment,  nor the road I shoulda taken. I was adequately housed, fed, and learned at an early age to be as self-sufficient as one can be at that point. Through those years, I was an average student, unsure of what I wanted, liked or loved, fearful to speak when I should have. I was totally lost within. I married young, lived a good life, divorced and started again. I earned enough money to support my young son and myself, to proudly watch him grow into the exceptional man he is today. I've purchased homes without the assistance of anyone on earth, I went to college in my forties, resulting in bachelors and masters degrees. I have loved, made great friendships, struggled with who or what I am, and where to be. I was fortunate to work in a large corporation for over twenty years, growing and learning there while living in a beautiful area of the country - if we don't consider the winter season. Suffice to say, too long, too much shoveling, scraping, and literally life-threatening road conditions, and if I never ever see another snowflake I will consider that a really good thing. Therefore, the move to another state.

Although I didn't appreciate it at the time, looking back now, I am of the belief that it was likely more a good than bad experience to have lived in different states along the way. I have been privileged to be exposed to different cultures, and learn that this is a huge world, full of opportunity and differences and wonderful open arms. I have learned that not every word or thought that pops into my brain needs to pop out of my mouth. I held anger within, although I didn't know I was angry~then. I learned to be tenacious, lacked patience-mostly with me, and longed to have peace of mind, to know why I felt the way I did, and sought various forms of assistance in getting there.

Enter Life Two:

EEEHHHAAA!!! This is very new, more profound than I can put into words, magical, miraculous and all the superlatives I can think of which are positive and glowing in nature. It was definitely not an overnight success; few truly exist. As my life continued in Life One, I knew I wanted and most assuredly needed to feel more at peace with me. I didn't exactly know how to get from A to B, although I consider myself extremely intuitive and able to dissect many issues and points. I recently read my journals dating back over twenty years where I lament basically the same issues within myself and my life that I continued to journalize recently. I could hardly believe it! But there it was in print. And it was time to get past it all and to really live. So, the move to the new state has been completely positive, although not without challenges. New state = new place to live, new job, new friends, maneuvering around to new places... Not as easy as it sounds, depending on ones dysfunction, attitude, and tenacity.

I looked for a job for about a year and a half before I found the perfect one. I bagged groceries for a week, cleaned the home of a large family for four weeks, tried to build businesses, applied for more jobs than I can remember. Regardless of my great experience, few opportunities for interviews came my way. All of that intertwined with getting to Bonnie. Getting to the soul, the spirit, the core of who that person truly is and can be for a most happy life. And, fortunately for me, I had time. Leaving my long term job allowed me to have financial stability for a while, so that I could think and read and discuss and reach out to find her; I knew she was there somewhere, I could feel her waiting for the reaching. I worked with a hugely talented life coach, after months of pondering whether that was what I truly wanted and needed. It was. Within that process, this wonderful woman asked the right questions, bringing out the answers I needed to hear. She guided me through points I could not quite unearth for myself, not for lack of trying. It was a completely and profoundly positive experience which was a major point in bringing me to this Life Two point.

For me, this has been pretty much a lifelong process. I have not always realized certain aspects, going along in my daily whatevers. Realizations are key for healing, acknowledging and moving on. I learned about Law of Attraction from a new friend, which I have welcomed into my life, let it settle in there, and I tap on it pretty much daily. It works. I figured, if I got nothing more than a positive outlook, that in itself was well worth it. I have received so much more. Believing, understanding that the universe in all its abundance has enough for everyone. What a wonderful affirmation! And, it's true..

Like any addiction, some major points may be with me always, rearing ugliness from time to time in the form of inner voice or reaction to specific situations. Now that I know what they are, understand why they are here with me, they can be dealt with, while I make it clear I will not go along with those anymore. I am happier today than any point in my life. I have a peace of mind I could only imagine, and I am beginning to like what I bring to this life and to be comfortable within. I will make mistakes, probably bad decisions from time to time. I will likely not be the happiest driver on the road, and I struggle to have patience in many circumstances. I will never be perfect. What I have now is far better. I express gratitude every day for this life, for my spirit, for the person I am. I feel it is now my job to find the special people who will be in my life, to give back, to be gracious and generous. I am ready for my true purpose here; I welcome it lovingly and with unlimited openness for each moment. Mostly, I am humbled and grateful for being me-now in Life Two.

I Cannot Be With You

Sometimes I shudder with memory; another person walked through my life then.

I have grown to love solitude, space, time - without you.

I do not feel a need to hear you, to feel you, eventually to know the distance between us.

To realize what it takes..the trying, trying, the endless creating and waiting for you, causes me to cringe with fear and exhaustion.

I cannot be with you; it matters not the beauty in your eyes as you smile at me, nor the words I once longed for.

I will turn away from the growing eagerness of your touch; it is just too much and I cannot/will not disrupt my perfect aloneness.

Can You Hear Me?

She was startled awake by incessant ringing from another room. Slowly, she scuffed across the cold, wooden floor, beckoned to the sound growing louder. As she opened one eye, she found herself facing the sofa, she knelt down to where the noise was emanating from, reached between the cushions, and pulled out a cell phone. Searching the small screen for identification, she saw only a series of stars displayed. She opened the receiver and answered, “Hello?” Leaning into the sofa with the phone to her ear, static was all she heard. “Hello?” she repeated. She was drifting back to sleep, sitting on the floor, when the voice from within the phone answered. “Katie, it’s me.”

“Who is ME?” was Katie’s response, thinking it strange, this person from within a cell phone she didn’t own would know her name.

“It’s your gram, Katie!” the voice startled Katie awake. Katie’s gram had been dead for several years.

“Who is this, really?” Katie asked the voice. “I’m not in the mood for harassment so late at night.”

“It is REALLY your gram, Katie!” the voice insisted. “I can prove it; ask me a question only you and gram would know.”

Katie’s interest was piqued. Clearly now, she remembered the close relationship with her grandmother, the smell of sugar cookies baking in her kitchen, her rose cologne. She was, indeed, a special person in Katie’s life. Thinking of her, she felt a longing to talk to her again, wishing she could be enveloped in her big hugs. Katie quizzed the voice, “What was gram’s middle name?”

“That’s an easy one. Rose.”

She thought of the one thing only the two of them knew. “What was the gift gram gave me that no one else was aware of?” Katie thought to herself, now she had this silly caller stumped, would hang up and get back to dreaming.

“It was a heart pendant. I gave it to you for your graduation.” the voice answered bluntly, saying no more.

Katie was in shock, still in disbelief that this voice could be her grandmother calling from another realm.

“Katie, I want to talk to you, to tell you I never meant to hurt you!”

The memory of when her gram did hurt her rushed back, leaving a sinking feeling in her stomach. Katie recalled when she was in the hospital; when the doctors thought she might not make it. She waited for her gram to visit, to hold her hand and comfort her, and was disappointed that she never did. Katie’s hurt feelings told her the grandmother she cherished so deeply must not care for her after all. Later, she realized her gram could not bear to see her so ill. “I know you love me, gram; I know you felt helpless when I was so sick.” Katie began speaking to the voice she now conceded must be the grandmother she missed so deeply. “I wear the pendant every day; many times it has given me strength because it was from you, gram.”

Katie heard a deep sigh, as if she had relieved the pain her grandmother carried through death.

“I love you, Katie.” the voice exclaimed, as the phone went silent, and the light went to dark.

“Gram?” Katie realized her grandmother was gone again. As she closed the receiver, she noticed it was daybreak, the sun was creeping over the hills outside her window, and she suddenly felt a deep sense of calm. She clasped the cell phone lovingly in her hands, brought it to her bedroom, and placed it within the box where she also kept the heart pendant. Silently, she hoped there would be another call.